A mothers nightmare

I hear her struggle. I see the tears. I feel the pain. And there is nothing I can do to help.

I try to be strong. Calm her down and comfort her. Assure everyone that everything is ok. Accept what the doctors decide, but still push them to do more.

Third day in the hospital and about to be released. Both the nurse and the pediatrician says she’s fine, that she can go home and that I shouldn’t worry.

What they don’t know is that I have had an almost 5 year long roller coaster with this child. Endless times of ear infections, bronchitis, pneumonia, asthma attacks, croup, viruses, the list is endless. I know my child. I know her limits and I know her weaknesses.

Her temperature is up. Only by 0,6 degrees, but this is not how her body reacts when she’s getting better. I fight the doctors, try to make them see what I see.

A few hours later, panic hits our room and it fills up with nurses and doctors. She’s not breathing. I’m cold. Completely cold. Perhaps it’s my security background kicking in and clearing my head? Either way, I know exactly what to do.

They trust me now. Trust my judgement. They know now that I’m not a hysterical mum who can’t understand that the child has a normal cold. They understand that I know what I’m talking about, that I know more medical terms than most mothers do and that I’m able to see what my daughter needs and when. They let me in and hear me out when I suggest options for her medication.

I don’t worry easily. I’ve learned to see when I need to and when I don’t. And this time as well, my instincts were right.

The night comes and the struggle goes on. She wears a mask almost all the time now. And the biggest problem? We’re reaching the limit of how much medicine her little body can have. The doctors are working on a plan for when the limit is reached.

4am. Limit reached. She can’t have more of what kept her going through the past four days. She sleeps 10 minutes at a time before screaming for mummy, struggling to breathe. Plan B is on.

The morning comes and so does her doctor. She’s breathing better, her fever is under control and plan B worked. But we face a new problem. Her lungs are blocking – again.

I’m happy I’m stubborn. I’m happy I trust my instincts. What if we had gone home yesterday? What if the doctors didn’t trust that I know my child best?

More changes are made. Different medicine, different intervals, different treatments. The day is long. She’s tired, her body exhausted. I’m tired. Tired after almost a week without sleep, but also tired of feeling so helpless.

I can’t help thinking about all those parents who spend weeks and months in the hospital with their kids. Those who don’t have to worry about when they get to take their child home, but instead hoping that a day will come that they can. Those who fear the night every night, scared it will be the last.

I’m not gonna deny that this is hard, that I’m frustrated or that I’ve been scared. This situation is all of that. But I don’t have to be scared of never taking her home or her having a life threatening decease. We’re lucky.

Finally, we have it under control! For the first time since arriving she sleeps. I sleep. She plays, she laughs and she is without pain. Just another 24 hours of treatment ahead and we can most likely go home!

I feel relaxed now, I’m not worried anymore. This is not over, but it will be soon.

Tomorrow we get to go home as long as nothing new happens. Not back to normal, but at least home. We need a machine to help her breathe for a little while and she needs to be with me 24/7. We will see a specialist soon to look for possibilities to prevent this from happening again for a while.

Through all this I feel so incredibly grateful. For the doctors who trusted my judgment, for all the nurses helping her all week, but most of all for all the amazing people we are surrounded by on this island. Especially those serving Burger King on a daily basis. Thank you!

 

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Time for Spanish!

I’m approximately 6% fluent in Spanish. Yeah, not nearly good enough. Last year I set a goal of learning basic conversational Spanish and I managed it. I love learning new stuff, but for some reason I find it difficult to learn languages.

In September my two beautiful little girls started Spanish school. Not even the teachers speak English, so I didn’t have a choice anymore but to use the little I know. And it has of course helped me learn more as well.

Over the past few months I’ve been trying to use the Duolingo app, only to find myself starting over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, this app is great! I just get bored. And quite frankly I have been way too busy to focus.

Since New Years my daughters homework has advanced. A bit too much for me! She has to read stories and answer questions about the text. I think it’s great, but I can’t keep up with my poor Spanish.

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So it’s time to make a change! My good friend Tabira is gonna join me in the process and we’re going all in. We have hired a tutor to come twice a week, so now we have no choice. We have to learn!

Today is our very first class and I have to say I’m excited. Tabira has a crazy schedule changing every week, and also from day to day. And don’t even let me get started on mine. It’s gonna be quite a puzzle to synchronize the times, but luckily she’s pretty much as stubborn as me.

So, any tips as to how to learn Spanish in a heartbeat?

No time to rest

I guess it’s time to blog again. I haven’t been very good at it lately. Life has just been a bit too stressful.

I love Christmas, New Years and the holidays. 2016 was a bit different. I never really got the proper Christmas feeling. Not all the people I wanted here was here and I worked all Christmas. Actually I didn’t even get to see the fireworks this time. How was your celebration?

I usually plan my work well, so I can take certain days off. But! About a month ago I had an accident and hurted my hand badly. Hurted hand means no chance for me to work. I couldn’t even move my finger. Bet all of you are wondering what happened now? Oh gosh, so embarrassing!

I guess there’s no secret that I’ve got a bit too much clothes. I have a full wall wardrobe with four big sliding doors. The problem with sliding doors is that if the wardrobe gets too full, the doors get stuck and jump out of their tracks.

So, early morning, stressing, just out of the shower while the kids are having breakfast. 30 minutes until we have to leave for school. I need clothes, but the door won’t move because it jumped out of track again. Angry and stressed I pushed it with all my power. It decided to jump back into its track faster than I planned and I smashed my hand between the door and the wall.

I’m sure I woke up the whole neighborhood. You think being in labor hurts? Hell no! I couldn’t stand on my feet, I screamed so loud that my daughter started crying as she never heard me yell that loud. I felt sick and somehow got to the bathroom. Putting my hand in cold water only seemed to make it worse.

25 minutes and several painkillers later with a double sized hand I managed to get my widest pants on and stand up. Luckily I have the most responsible 6 year old in this world, who finished lunch boxes, packed their bags and dressed herself and her sister.

Well, I got them to school and managed to pick up both them and takeaway that day, but that was all. The pain was unbearable. Luckily no bones were broken, just some liquid thing in two of my joints. Managed to get an inflammation on top too. So no work for two weeks. Sick leave doesn’t exist in my world – Not done yet? Get it done!

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I still struggle with my hand, but at least I’m able to work. Now I have a few more days working at home with my girls before school is back on. Happy New Year!

 

 

Reality knockout 

Everyone has rough days sometimes, obviously. Last week was spent in the hospital and yesterday it was back to work and school. I was excited about it, but in for a surprise.

Going back to reality knocked me out big  time! I feel horrible, I have no energy or motivation and just want to stay in bed.

I go in waves, and when I go down it goes quickly. By the time I finished my day at work I was so exhausted that I was wondering how to even get to my car. I couldn’t bare the thought of everything waiting at home. Walk the dog, get the kids, cook dinner, clean up, take my girls to dance class, get everyone ready for bed, walk the dog again, work on the blog, the list goes on.

I don’t have time to be sick. I can’t skip work. I can’t fail my kids. Nothing on my to do list is optional, it’s simply what I have to do.

So how to get through this alone?

*Plan the day! Plan breaks to catch your breath. A break will also give you a fresh start

*Treat yourself! If you have a tight schedule, tell yourself that “when this is done I will have a coffee break”. Or a chocolate, a cigarette or whatever motivates you


*Laugh! During a rough day it’s hard, but if you look closer you will find something funny

*Eat! Food helps with everything

*Motivate yourself! Tell yourself it’s temporary, and that tomorrow will be different

*Move! When I feel bad I don’t wanna leave the house or even the sofa. But I find that just a short walk and some fresh air gives me a boost

*Vitamins! It helps with sickness, energy, sleep and pretty much run your body. I wouldn’t survive without my chewing ones from The Sunshine Empire!


*Ask for help! No matter if I’m sick or just in a bad mood there is one thing that helps every time: To call my boyfriend! Some compassion and sympathy is miracle medicine

We all have different ways to get through hard times whether it’s physical or psychological. But we get through it one way or another.

I’m exhausted and I feel sick, and now I have just gotten my boost from my boyfriend, had a chocolate and are gonna treat myself with an hour of TV before bedtime. Then I’m gonna tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and it’s gonna be better than this one.